Women who’ve been pregnant have plenty of jokes, gripes and random musings to share about the experience. Apparently the same is true of men whose partners have been pregnant.
Over the years, expectant fathers have tweeted about those memorable months leading up to the birth of the baby with their signature dad humor and a dash of earnestness. In honor of Father’s Day, we’ve rounded up 35 such tweets. Enjoy!
Sticking a margarita in my pregnant wife’s face and saying “ain’t no fun if the baby can’t have none” didn’t go over as well as I’d hoped.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 9, 2015
When my wife was pregnant she used to gently nudge me awake in the middle of the night and whisper “I will fucking get you for this”
— The Dad (@thedad) September 5, 2018
Before my wife became pregnant, I always assumed Braxton Hicks was a country music artist.
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) April 13, 2018
Me: So when I puke, I’m an “alcoholic,” but when YOU puke it’s “normal?”
Wife: I’M PREGNANT
Me: You always play the baby card
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 11, 2015
Wife: I’m pregnant
Me [realising I’m about to be a dad & thinking of all the sacrifices & adjustments I’ll have to make]: hi pregnant
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) September 8, 2016
I had my pregnant wife hold my beer as I went to the bathroom…
Because I felt she needed to be judged by 300 strangers…
— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) May 11, 2014
Salesperson: Can I help you?
Me [holding up pregnancy pants]: do you have these in mens sizes?
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 6, 2020
[walking with my pregnant wife]
Stranger: how far along are you?
Me: finished A Dance with Dragons, just waiting on GRR Martin to finish book 6.
Wife: she was talking to me.
Me: but you haven’t read the books.
— NewDadNotes (@NewDadNotes) March 13, 2019
My pregnant wife made me adjust the thermostat 9 times in the last 2 minutes.
I can’t get the room to be exactly 73.25°
I’m such a failure
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 9, 2015
my wife: im pregnant
me: omg thats great
my wife *embarassed*: but now people will know we had sex
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) February 22, 2019
My son told my pregnant wife she should swallow some toys so his unborn brother could play with them. He’s a genius as far as I’m concerned.
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) November 30, 2013
When your angry, hungry, hormonal, pregnant, wife asks you, “Where do you want to eat?”
“I dunno, probably separate rooms…”
Is NOT the right answer…
— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) September 14, 2019
WIFE: I’m pregnant.
ME: Me too.
WIFE: No, that’s—this isn’t a one-upping thing.
ME: It’s twins.
— The Dad (@thedad) July 10, 2020
Wife: Does this dress make me look pregnant?
Me: No, you look good.
Wife: So I don’t look good when I’m pregnant?
Me: *flees the country*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 7, 2015
– lots of cleaning up required
“I bear the seed of my ancestors”
– u could definitely slay orcs
– im playing D&D rn
— Christopher Ashman (@CAshmanActor) May 23, 2020
Turns out suggesting your wife pretend she’s pregnant and designated drive is a poor choice for Retro Date Night
— dadpression (@Dadpression) November 2, 2015
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) October 7, 2019
My wife still brings up that one time in 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) June 8, 2021
[woman stops my pregnant wife & I]
Her: when are you due?
Wife: middle of may
Her: what are you having?
Me: a fucken baby
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) April 10, 2016
women, stop putting your hand on your mans stomach in pictures. he’s not pregnant and it looks stupid.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) September 17, 2020
My pregnant wife threw up chocolate because apparently the baby doesn’t like it.
In other news, she’s carrying the Antichrist.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 8, 2015
[Walking with pregnant wife]
Girl on the street: awe *touches wife’s stomach* what is it?
Me: THAT *points at wife* is my wife
Girl: I know that. I mean what kind of baby?
Me: um human *under breath* idiot
— The Dad (@thedad) August 31, 2018
[tech captures screenshot of pregnant woman’s first ultrasound]
baby: delete it
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 3, 2015
Someone just told me his wife is 39 weeks pregnant. Thats not a good scale for me cos I don’t know how long it takes. Just say “pregnant af”
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) September 26, 2017
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 11, 2015
Me: my wife is pregnant so she’s been rewatching watching Game of Thrones
Coworker: oh congrats, how far along is she?
Me: season 3
— The Dad (@thedad) February 26, 2020
Me: Let’s name her Éclair
Wife: [pregnant] We’re not naming her after a donut
Me: Technically, an éclair is a French pastry — not a donut. The distinction-
Wife: Still no
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) February 13, 2019
After a long conversation with my wife I now admit that “buckle the fuck up, buttercup” was probably not the best response to our friends announcing their first pregnancy.
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) January 17, 2020
Me: How was your first day without coffee?
Wife: Fine. Remember I quit cold turkey when I was pregnant
Me: Yeah, but you tried to stab me
Wife: No, I didn’t
Me: I guess a lack of coffee causes memory loss
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) October 16, 2020
Serena Williams won a grand slam tennis tournament while pregnant and I didn’t feel like getting out of bed last week because I had a cold.
— Doyin Richards – Fully Vaccinated (@daddydoinwork) April 19, 2017
Pregnant wife: I think we should have the baby at home
Me: ugh can’t it live with your parents?
— The Dad (@thedad) June 19, 2018