People describe kids as little angels, but parents know all too well that sometimes they’re just tiny terrors.
Amid the chaos and exhaustion of raising children, many parents have turned to Twitter to vent about their hostility. We rounded up 35 tweets about the hilariously harsh things parents have said about their kids.
Can we stop with the “terrible twos” and “threenagers” and “FML fours” and just admit that kids are dicks until they move out?
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) March 15, 2021
Whenever my kids start fighting, it’s like guys, guys, guys— you’re both assholes.
— Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) June 12, 2021
Being a dad feels like being a superhero whose superpower is somehow loving someone despite them being a total dick 90% of the time
— The Dad (@thedad) February 25, 2018
Being a stay at home parent can be lonely and frustrating because the only people you get to talk to all day poop their pants and are complete assholes.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) August 5, 2019
My toddler is very polite when asking to do naughty things. He’ll be like “please may I draw on the wall?” or “please may I throw food on the floor?”
And so I respond just as politely “please may you stop being a little dick?”
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) February 18, 2020
“Why don’t you ever tweet nice stuff about your kids?” asked my idiot daughter.
— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) August 3, 2012
Sat. night, watching the kids sweetly sleeping, tears in my eyes.
Because I know those holy terrors will be up at the crack of fucking dawn
— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) May 7, 2017
My 5 and 3 year old’s made up knock knock jokes are so dumb.
Sorry, not sorry.
— Momsense Ensues (@momsense_ensues) February 8, 2020
“The Giving Tree” is my favorite book about how kids can be incredibly ungrateful little shits.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 16, 2018
Sorry my toddler is being an asshole, we’re hoping he’s working on a new milestone, but it might just be who he is now
— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) March 7, 2020
I told my 6yo son that apples grow with the stickers on them and he believed me. Ha! Kids are such idiots.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 24, 2020
Parenting is pretty fun if you like spending Saturday afternoons being back seat driven by a 4 foot tall tyrant wearing plastic Pikachu ears
— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 26, 2017
Goodnight moon. Goodnight red balloon. Goodnight green phone. Goodnight tiny tyrant assholes.
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) May 5, 2016
First we blamed teething. Then we blamed developmental leaps. Now, we have no choice but to admit this is not a phase.
Our child is just an asshole.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) October 2, 2019
Do you want to be obnoxious assholes or do you want to be cuddly lovebugs? Pick a damn lane. You’re giving me whiplash.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) March 28, 2020
Enough with your musical ambitions already you little tyrant! You’re making mommy’s ears bleed.
— Jill Krause (@babyrabies) June 27, 2010
*showing friends videos of my toddler*
Me: Look at this idiot
— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) December 22, 2019
My toddler has this condition where even though he knows the difference between right and wrong he does the wrong thing anyway. It’s called being an asshole.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) January 14, 2020
I might have brunch. For the parents: Brunch is when you don’t eat food until almost mid-day because no tiny tyrant has awoken you at 7 AM.
— Backpacking Dad (@BackpackingDad) June 28, 2015
one of the toughest parts about being a really good parent is having to tell your kid they look like an idiot
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) September 23, 2016
My kid just tried to pick up something he was standing on. Moron
— Jason Good (@jasonmgood) January 23, 2011
First you think “I want kids!”
next thing you know you’re middle aged and catering to an adorable little tyrant with a Bandaid habit.
— TheBabyLady (@thebabylady7) August 2, 2017
I’m teaching my kids to play baseball and they think I’m so athletic and I can’t decide if that’s endearing or if they’re idiots
— The Dad (@thedad) January 20, 2019
My 2 year-old is so terrifying that I had to help the monster under his bed find a new job today.
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) November 18, 2019
Teach your children to love, so that when they act like little monsters, you can take away things that matter to them.
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) March 25, 2014
If you tell kids anything is possible if they work hard enough for it, sometimes they will believe you because kids are idiots.
— keith (@tchrquotes) June 4, 2016
2 year old has started yelling “I’m Iron Man!” before growling, shouting, stamping, and throwing toys around the room like he’s fighting them
Although I’m not a fan of the boisterous behaviour, I’m more concerned about what sort of moron confuses Iron Man with the Hulk
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) December 14, 2019
Had a nightmare I was being chased by tiny monsters who were clawing at me and screaming in my face oh wait I’m wide awake that’s just my life.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) January 28, 2018
Me: why are the kids crying?
Wife: they misunderstood when u said snakes & ladders
Me: they’re not real ladders u fucken idiots
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) September 9, 2016
Who called them “kids” and not ungrateful little shits?
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) August 25, 2014
Impressed the kids by pushing a button & defrosting the car windshield again.
They were awestruck.
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) October 29, 2015
My toddler can officially climb INTO his crib. He cannot, however, climb out. What an idiot.
— Courtney (@Discourt) April 5, 2012
For as much as I bitch about my kids, I sure do love those goddamn little shits.
— It’sReally10Months (@really10months) November 2, 2018
Parents be like: God, my kid is being such an asshole today.
Parents also be like: WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY LITTLE PEANUT BUTTER CUP ILL KARATE CHOP YOU IN THE THROAT
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) October 22, 2019